My life uncertain and out of whack.
And…that’s okay.
And I’ve never written those words before in my entire life, so it feels both scary and a tiny bit liberating.
And I'm writing this while on a 1 night retreat in Arenal, trying to calm my nerves and soothe my soul. And why do I need soothing?
Because as you may have read, about a month ago I sold my 21 year old company to two women I love and trust, and it was a decision I initiated and thought I was prepared to mentally handle.
But wow was I wrong.
After the sale of the company was finalized, a few loose ends needed to be tied up and a few things popped up to sort out, and communication felt impossible and I felt like I was frozen and couldn’t even handle the simplest of requests.
And then I proceeded to have what I can only describe as a quiet but tumultuous mini meltdown.
And what does an adult mini meltdown look like? Well, I can only speak for myself, and I imagine it’s different for everyone, but for me it looked like several panic attacks each day, an increase in my sensitivity that made my moments almost intolerable, me breaking down in awkward uncontrollable tears if someone congratulated me on the change and/or sale, me having crippling anxiety about anything and everything, me creating intense stories of fear and abandonment and me even having terrifying and confusing fascinations of ending my own life.
And yes, admitting all of this publicly by writing it out is really difficult.
Meanwhile during this recent unpredictable inner tornado of turmoil, I’ve been going about my daily life at home as though nothing has changed. I’ve been helping manage a busy flow of guests at our Airbnb, teaching yoga, giving healing sessions, and responding as best I can to my 2 children’s needs, our family’s needs and my husband’s needs.
So it has been a lot to navigate.
Nothing seemed to have changed around me, yet everything felt like it changed inside of me and I felt like I was drowning, but was having a hard time articulating this to anyone, even myself. Because I also felt a little stupid and ashamed to admit that I was feeling intense and confusing inner pain around something that was supposed to be so positive and awesome for me, my family and the spa team. So that meant asking for any type of help navigating this new space felt both selfish and like it wasn't worthy of help.
This was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I’d been preparing for this shift for over a year, but for some weird reason when what I set in emotion officially came to be on January 8th, I snapped.
It felt like an umbilical cord had just been cut between me and my first child, Align Spa, who was now a grown and functioning adult, and off to do her own thing with her crew. Ouch. And here I was expected by everyone (including myself) to be in an instant state of joy and gratitude for this new me who had just been born.
Yay transformation and new beginnings! But also not yay...
And I say that because I don’t feel a ton of joy and excitement around this yet; I mainly am feeling intense grief, terror, sadness and a feeling of floating in an ocean all alone on a tiny raft that was slowly losing air.
Where did all my people go? Oh that’s right, I’m not the captain of that ship anymore…it has set sail without me.
My husband Adam was the first to lovingly call me out on the fact that I was in an intense state of sadness, anxiety and depression, and it felt even more intense because it was piled on top of some confusing peri-menopausal symptoms I’ve also been navigating.
But no one wants to be called out about not being okay…at least I don’t. Not even if it’s done in a loving way. Because then I have to face myself and deal with where I’m at. And where am I? I'm on an unmarked and unpaved road, and my navigation system isn't working. So I'm having a hard time knowing which way to move forward.
But admitting all of this feels like step 1, admitting it to others more publicly here feels like step 2. And step 3? Hmmm, I’m still figuring it out, but perhaps it’s being okay with not being okay, while also trusting that this darkness I’m in is part of my journey of healing, and not a wrong turn I took.
I also know this stage can only be handled by me, and no one else, which is both empowering and annoying.
So I'm on another healing journey and it's one that will hopefully spit me out at joy's doorstep. But to get to joy, I need to go through grief...lucky me.
So these days, I'm reminding myself that death is a natural part of the flow of life, and I can both grieve and celebrate the end of a cycle.
Yes, there’s been a death in my energetic field; and it’s the death of me identifying as the owner of the Align Spa. And so I need to give myself time, space and permission to be sad, and a lot of other emotions about it. Even if it was a transition that was necessary, positive and meant to be.
I'm off on a new ALIGNED journey; one that entails me sacredly burying an old version of me, and taking some time to mourn her. Because if I don’t mourn her, she’ll haunt me, and I’ll be doing a disservice to who and what I can rise into.
But mourning doesn’t have to be a sad or solo time, all about finding my way in this confusing darkness. By writing this, I’m inviting in light, companionship and help. I feel like I’m beginning to open up the blackout curtains and I am learning how to let the light into my inner room, because it has felt a little dark lately.
Sure I’ve never navigated a dark night of my soul such as this, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do it. And it also doesn’t mean I need to go on this inner journey alone. So here I am flipping the script, and doing my best to remove the shame in feeling this way, by making my inner confusion and healing known. So if you’re navigating your own inner darkness, perhaps you want to say hello, or come along for the ride with me, and we can find a new way through it together.
For the foreseeable future, you can find me seeking joy and fulfillment in the following ways:
Hosting small intimate conversations about big emotions like grief
I’ll be teaching epic yoga classes at Heart & Flow
I’ll be sharing my gift of healing with clients
I’ll keep writing
I’ll keep dancing with friends
I’ll keep hosting mini getaway retreats
I’ll keep going on virtual and in person coffee dates with friends
I’ll be playing pickleball
I’ll be spending time playing with my family
I’ll be actively learning perhaps for the first time how to communicate sacredly with myself, my husband and those in my circle.
Rebuilding myself piece by piece is my new full time job. And I’m taking it poco a poco, one day and one moment at a time. And I’m grateful to my friends and family who have been unconditionally showing up lately in big and small ways, and particularly my sister, who’s coming down to Costa Rica soon to help me navigate my inner space.
And if you made it this far, thanks for being here.
Cheers,
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