It has been 7 months since I last wrote in this space. And it certainly feels like a lifetime ago, as so much has unfolded since then...which is one of the reasons I haven't written. Initially the goal was to write in here weekly, and poco a poco share the hundreds of stories I have in the vault, but life has been moving so fast, and my emotions even faster, so I've also been having a hard time pinning down a grounded space from which to write...until now.
In the span of time that has passed a lot has happened, which includes but isn't limited to:
Me experiencing healthy levels of grief around the letting go of my first love, Align Spa.
I've taught a ton of yoga classes, however I often dreaded teaching them until the moment I began, and then I felt grateful to have hosted them. Weird.
I've hosted a lot of hang out events at our home and a sound healing at the home Adam built in Vistas de Flamingo, Casa Shambala.
I've had several humbling surgeries on my front teeth to remove my dental implants that were placed incorrectly in December of 2010. It's all in an effort to reconstruct my front 6 teeth in a healthy way. I need to note that it was no fault of the surgeon putting my implants in; he did the best he could in a trauma situation after I demolished the bones of my teeth in a ski accident day after Christmas 2010.
I've become a PEMF (pulsed electromagnetic field) practitioner, and it has been life changing.
I've cleaned up what feels like 1000's of puddles and piles of pee and poo from our two elder dogs. Ugh.
I've been regularly over stimulated by gadgets, smells, noises, tantrums, big and small emergencies, complaining and barking dogs...normally I can handle all of that, but I was full and was often getting overstimulated to the point where I felt I could hardly breathe.
We traveled to the states to see my brother and sister in law and their home in Colorado, and to Park City to be present for my sister's 50th birthday party. I loved it all and it made me miss the states a little, but in a healthy way.
I've been riding a hormonal wave thanks to peri-menopause, but also started hormone replacement therapy. I'm seeking progress not perfection for my body.
I've witnessed my husband take on some exciting new build projects.
I've deepened friendships with new and old friends.
I've learned my mother has cancer and I've realized how quickly this foreign reality can spiral me down to feeling overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness that I'm not closer in distance to help. And I'm so grateful to my sister and cousin for leading the healing train so far. I'll be ready to go help when I'm called.
And last but not least, I had a PG rated gentle breakdown end of August, which looked like me raising my voice at my 6 year old daughter for a tiny reason...which is what I want for our family dynamic. But that's what ultimately made me reach out to Reunion, the plant medicine healing center 10 minutes from my house. I needed a reset, so I chose Ayahuasca as the medicinal path to get me there.
There's a saying, "you can't pour from an empty cup," and that's where I was in the middle of September when my husband and I were supposed to be filled with joy to celebrate 11 years of being married. But my cup was empty, so I could barely muster the energy to celebrate, so instead celebrating was us going for breakfast, sharing our goals for our marriage moving forward, and then him and my two girls dropping me off at Reunion in an emotional goodbye. It was quite a unique way to celebrate our anniversary.
Random reflection that popped up:
I remember when I got my first dog Sadie in 1997 at the animal shelver in Wanship, Utah, my mom initially expressed concern that due to my history of brain injuries, she feared I wouldn't be able to care for the well being of an animal. It was humbling to hear that. And although I thrived as a dog mom for all my various dogs over the years, her words stuck with me and I felt them in my bones middle of September when I felt like I could hardly care for myself, yet I still had a house full of animals and children who needed me.
It was scary.
So off I went to Reunion to release some sh&# (literally and figuratively) and access some new solutions in me.
I knew of Reunion because it is the old Hotel Sugar Beach, where I met Adam in 2012, so that's one of the reasons I chose it for this self care journey. I wanted to revisit the location and old energy signature of the me in December 2012, when I felt free, secure, fearless and excited about my future, though I had no idea what my future actually looked like. I just felt full of faith I was heading in the right direction, because I was following my inner compass of yes.
But over the last few months, my yes compass has felt a little blurry; perhaps muddled by normal 3 & 6 year old demands and tantrums, living a highly scheduled daily life, feeling a bit disconnected from not being a team member of a mission driven company as Align Spa was, my imbalanced hormones, me doing my best to keep track of my own and my daughters' precious things, remembering important dates and taking care of responsibilities around family, our home and my relationships.
Everything began to feel heavy; as though making sure the girls were healthy, happy and fed, along with remembering to take care of my relationships and myself at the same time was too much for me to hold. But me breaking down didn't mean I had a clear and obvious unraveling, in which I could communicate what was happening. Instead it looked more like me going cold and hardening to my needs and those around me; and in a way, feeling simultaneously desensitized and over stimulated by everything and everyone around me. And then I'd occasionally have verbal daggers soar out of my mouth often aimed at unarmed people I loved very much. And I'd regret my words the moment they took flight from my mouth, because they were coming from the fear and anxiety brewing in my head.
I didn't feel like myself; that was the only way I could describe it, and so I left for my first week away from my family to commune with the spirit of Mama Ayahuasca, a healing plant from the Amazon, known for its hallucinogenic properties and ability to heal psychosomatic ailments.
And did Mama A deliver?
Yes, she did.
But it wasn't Ayahuasca alone, because I've drank the medicine before and I didn't have nearly as effective or healing of an experience. It was the medicine along with where I was, the vulnerable and open group of strangers I was with, the impeccable care of the Reunion team, the clear preparation instructions, the clean and harmonized space, the incredible food, the rituals they included as part of the ceremony AND the integration process afterwards, which is still going on.
What also helped me prepare for the uncomfortable experience I was embarking on was changing the orientation of the beds in the room I shared with my roommate. I was staying in room 13, where I was in 2012, and I let her know the beds were different back then. So following her suggestion, we agreed to shift our room back to the orientation it was in 2012, and I felt so much more at ease. The different angles of our beds helped us feel like we were alongside each other, but also like we'd be having unique experiences. And the new orientation also helped give space for me to lay out my PEMF mat, which felt like another helpful grounding tool.
There were 4 medicinal ceremonies during the week and each was difficult for its own reasons and created unique physical and emotional challenges for me to face...all of which were part of my healing journey. The medicine in and of itself doesn't taste good, and tastes progressively worse each ceremony, so as each ceremony approached I could feel resistance and fear bubbling up in my chest just thinking of approaching the altar and being faced with the serving granted to me by the wonderful and intuitive Shamans. The idea of leaning into discomfort and reminding myself that I can do hard things became my mantra.
Release happens in a number of ways...for me it happened through my mouth, my bum, through trembling, fidgeting, yawning, laughing, and just facing extreme nausea and discomfort, and asking the medicine to remove it, which it always did. But Ayahuasca is not only just about the purging and healing that takes place in the ceremony itself, it also includes the lessons you take from the medicine into your daily life after ceremony. In many ways, that's the most important...who you become thanks to the medicine.
It was a LOT for my family to create the time, space and support to allow me to go away for a week, so I wanted the effects of the medicine on me to be long term and worth the investment. So here are some ways I've noticed that I'm implementing the medicine into my life moving forward:
I treat myself better, with more care and love.
I talk with myself with more gentleness, as I would a dear friend.
I rest more, without guilt.
I am more mindful of how much sugar and caffeine I consume, and have dramatically decreased my consumption...my first cup of coffee gave me the shakes, so I poured it out after a few sips.
Once I could reintroduce chocolate, I enjoyed a mini Snickers bar, but immediately noticed anxiety increasing. My hyper awareness to my body was so fascinating to witness, so my chocolate consumption has also been adjusted. That momentary high of sweetness is not worth the wave of disruption I'm learning it produces for my body. Sorry chocolate...
I am aware and grateful that I'm not feeling called to go back to my mild use of cannabis cookies or other bandaids I used before to help me self manage anxiety.
I am reinvesting in the repair and care of my marriage and making more of an effort to treat it as the sacred and safe space that is is.
My personal max seems to have increased a little, though I am more aware of when I'm reaching my limit, and I have better tools to help myself self regulate.
I am enjoying some new music from the ceremony, and I listen to it in the background most of the time, to remind me that my life is now the ceremony.
I am practicing more gratitude for my community and I have a deep awareness of how supported I am here, and that helps me enjoy Costa Rica more.
I am enjoying more time with my children rather than wishing I could be somewhere else working on a project. They are my project.
I am feeling less of a desire to compare myself to where others are and just be fine with where I'm at, wherever that is. Even if I know I want something more or different, having a contentment with the now can change everything.
I have more grace and compassion for others. After listening to the stories and experiences of the 24 other participants at Reunion, it reminded me that even if someone isn't speaking up, EVERYONE is going through or has gone through something relatable and difficult. I'm way more alike to everyone than I am different. Just knowing that makes me want to be kinder.
I'm craving more quiet in and around me.
I'm less drawn to the craziness in the news and have kept the notifications turned off on my phone, so that I can be available when I choose to be, not 24/7.
I also have a strong but quiet desire to work with the team at Reunion somehow, so I'm gently setting intentions for that and putting out the manifestation vibes for ways I can be of service to their clear mission.
When I signed up for the retreat, we had to adhere to a diet and abstain from certain things 2-4 weeks before. And we've had to maintain the same diet timeline coming out. So that has helped me regard life as more of the ceremony, and to really think about what and who I want in my life and why. The Harriet coming out of this ceremony felt a lot like the Harriet coming out of my Sugar Beach experience in 2012. I even did a recreation picture...
Do I think Ayahuasca and a week away from family and responsibilities is for everyone? Of course not, for many reasons. But for those who are ready, able to and who are more or less aware of what their stubborn pain points and triggers are, and are ready to take radical responsibility for them, it's a great option. Because ayahuasca, administered in a safe & sacred way, can help give you better access to peace in and around you. And I strongly believe that Reunion is a great spot to take the journey.
So hopefully it won't take me 7 months to write in here again...because I love sharing my writing. But life for me and others is certainly a wild ride, so I understand why projects get shelved and why even reading about someone else's experience can even be a time luxury.
So if you got this far, thank you.
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