If you know me, you know bits and pieces of this story already. But I don’t think I’ve ever shared this much of it publicly. Until now.
It’s about 2012 and what happened at the beginning and the end of it.
It was January 2012 and my New Year's resolution was to do 31 days of yoga. And as a reward for completing the 31 days, I bought myself a yoga retreat in Costa Rica from an online ad in an email I’d gotten from a yoga studio I’d been to in Denver called Kindness Yoga.
The retreat was happening in December of 2012, 11 months in the future, so it was kind of strange that I felt called to book this trip so far in advance as January. I’m usually not a long term planner when it comes to vacations, but for some reason when I saw the advertisement for the retreat in December of 2012 in Potrero Costa Rica, I knew I needed to be there. The theme was “Saying Yes to Love.”
At that point in my life, January 2012, I was 35 and still single, and had said no to love a lot more than I’d said yes, so I wondered if I was missing some vital piece of information about navigating love. And what a great opportunity to learn more at a yoga retreat themed around saying yes to love.
Fast forward 11 months to the Fall of 2012 and I was dating a man who was great. In fact, he was 90% perfect for me on paper, yet my heart was struggling to get on board. I had probably broken up with him 2 or 3 times between starting to date and November, but I kept coming back around to him because my head was telling my heart, “Harriet, you’re 35 years old, you’re running out of time and options, so you must make this work.” Plus, as I said, he was a great guy and 90% awesome for me, so I let our relationship carry on because I was afraid of saying no to this chance at creating a future with someone nice.
This 90% awesome guy invited me to spend Thanksgiving with his wonderful family in Ohio, which sounded so nice, and exactly what my heart wanted to participate in, so I said yes to that. A cozy and inviting family celebration? Sign me up. It had been a while since I’d had that kind of experience, and maybe it would be exactly what I needed to turn on the deep love I wanted to feel in this relationship.
I’d be departing for my long awaited Costa Rica yoga retreat a few days after the Thanksgiving trip with my boyfriend's family, and I thought that both a wholesome family vacation and a yoga retreat were a perfect combo to kick off a self imposed 5 month sabbatical from my spa I’d decided to take starting December 1, 2012. Why does a 35 year old need a sabbatical? Because I felt lost and confused, and like I was floating around in my life without an inspiring mission or purpose. Sure I loved owning and working at my 10 year old day spa, Align, but I was beginning to embark on a quarter life crisis when I chose to say no to a client who’d offered to buy my spa. He wanted to buy it because he also owned a spa and acknowledged how I did business was different then how he did business, and he liked the results I was getting. His day spa didn’t enjoy the same year round business or staff and client loyalty as mine did, and he wanted to buy that.
He thought the path to his success was to merge with my spa; giving him a gateway to the local community and me a gateway to a time freedom I’d never had before. It was flattering to know that a successful business man like him liked how I operated my business. At my company we retained loyal staff for years, we had a strong company culture and loyal clients making us busy all year long. We both knew these things weren’t true at his spa, so in an odd way, I had the upper hand because I didn’t need to or necessarily care about selling. It was just an intriguing scenario to entertain. I took his offer seriously because why not? So we arranged to get together at his hotel’s restaurant which was next door to his spa and I was nervously excited. In attendance at this meeting was me, my spa director who had worked for me for 10 years, and my attorney, who was also my brother-in-law, so he knew to look out for me. We’d spent a few weeks discussing how to peacefully merge our two spas, what changes would need to be made for his spa to meet our standards, and we’d casually discussed what the terms of my employment would be when he took over my company. He assured me that he’d keep me involved on the management end for at least 1-2 years on an undisclosed salary, but we never got into specifics. But from our discussions, money didn’t seem to be an issue to him, so I didn’t get caught up in that particular details yet as it seemed like this business man would do anything to acquire my company; so to be admired and pursued felt nice.
But as the four of us sat in the corner booth of my client’s dimly lit restaurant discussing the final details of our merger, it came time to discuss the price he’d be willing to pay for my spa, which at that point was 10 years of my life. What would he offer? He hadn't asked for any of the spa's financial documents yet, and me having no idea how to officially value my company yet, I was fantasizing about what it would feel like to have a few hundred thousand dollars. It would be life changing.
I certainly had butterflies of excitement in my stomach.
But the butterflies immediately flew away when he shared his idea of a fair price. Things got quiet and I just stared at him, not thinking I’d heard him correctly. He had a stoic smile that was beginning to shift into a grin when he said the number again. His offer for over 10 years of my hard work was $33,000. Excuse me what?
And he followed up his offer saying it was a nice number given the unpredictable nature of a spa business. I wanted to punch him in the face, but of course didn't, so instead I just stared at him, smiled politely and stayed quiet. I continued chewing my food, losing all sensation of the taste because I thought I was going to throw up. I was so insulted that I was at a loss for words, but luckily my attorney was not, and he quickly replied, “thanks for your offer, looks like this meeting is over.” And we from team Align all quickly finished our drinks, left some cash on the table and got up together and left the restaurant. Align was not for sale anymore...not for that price.
Now when a scenario such as this unfolds, a business owner can go in a few directions: 1) totally fold and sell their soul for a ridiculously low price 2) say no thank you, but leave the meeting feeling completely heartbroken, gutted and disappointed or 3) use this experience as a launchpad to get some life perspective, feel some inspiration and make a change.
I chose option 3. But I also asked for divine intervention to help guide me through this confusing scenario. During the negotiation process, before a price had been discussed, when my client guaranteed me a job at my own spa for 1-2 years during the transition, that left me with a vulnerable feeling and got me thinking about a big life question. What would I do after my time at my spa was up and I didn’t show up at my spa everyday? Would I still be doing massage? Would I work for someone else? That would be weird. Would I still go to my spa as a paying client if there was a new owner? Again, weird. And would the old school core spa staff stick around without me as the owner? And if I didn’t do spa stuff each day, what would I do and who would I be? I was both overwhelmed and excited by all these thoughts because these were big questions that got me seeing that not only had I given so much of my life to my business over the last decade, but I also had lost a little of my own identity along the way.
So it was time to go seeking me.
I didn’t have much direction outside my company Align Spa, so I wanted to go seeking who I could become if being Harriet from Align Spa wasn’t my only title and focus. I’d never had a reason to consider this question before, so I was grateful for the opportunity that the outrageously low offer my client gave me to buy my spa woke up in me. It nudged me that I knew it was time for a change, but what change? So I set up a meeting with my spa’s management staff to discuss some fresh ideas and possible solutions, that included me going on a self seeking sabbatical for the winter.
Was that allowed? I loved writing and had declared the year before I’d write a book. So perhaps that’s what I needed to put my energy towards. Ok. But I wondered if I was allowed to take a few months away from my normal schedule at the spa just to write. Could the spa support me taking a sabbatical? Was that okay? But what would I write about? I kept going back to the time I’d spent in Bali the year before, when my travel companion from Amsterdam suggested I write a book of stories, simply because he enjoyed hearing them so much. So that planted the seed of a book being in my future.
So what does a writing sabbatical look like? Do I stay in Utah and just go to coffee shops during the day and have my only focus be writing? It was a lot to imagine.
At that point in the life of my spa, I’d had mostly the same staff for going on a decade, and a lot of the spa’s day to day responsibilities were taken off my plate years before. My role at the spa was to be the face of the company, do the payroll, do the spa’s monthly accounting, do a few front desk shifts, do some massages on special clients and have spa calls forwarded to my phone after hours. And all of these jobs could be pretty easily absorbed by my team with a little training, and they were intrigued by my curiosity about who I could become, so they were up for the challenge.
The plan was for my sabbatical to begin December 1st 2012 and it would go through mid April 2012, so it would be the entire length of our busy ski season because we were in a ski town. And the timing was perfect since I had booked myself the week long Yoga retreat in Costa Rica leaving on December 2nd, and I’d already gotten the thumbs up from the Align team for that. The retreat in Costa Rica was with Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, and I decided it would be my kick off for this crazy idea to embark on a self imposed sabbatical to seek and hopefully find myself.
But then I wondered how my boyfriend of 10 months would take this news of my sabbatical. I hadn’t discussed it with him at all yet. So I’d need to let him know, and I figured since we were about to depart on a 6 day Thanksgiving trip together, the plane right over would be a good time to share the exciting news. Now you can imagine the level of growth and depth in this relationship if I’d made this enormous decision about the next 5 months of my life without either consulting him or him knowing right after my decision. I thought the discussion on the plane would go great and he would be so happy for me and he'd share the exciting news with his family when we arrived. But nope, that's not how it happened. He expressed confusion and resistance to my exciting news, and didn't want to talk about it anymore, so our Thanksgiving vacation was off to an awkward start and we hadn't even landed in Ohio yet. He had a lot of questions about where I'd go, what I'd do, and who I'd spend time with, and I just didn’t have answers to yet. From his reaction it seemed my sabbatical was somehow a threat to our relationship, so I felt a little sad and agreed to not bring it up again during our trip.
And I also said a little prayer for some help to get me through the trip. When we arrived at my boyfriend’s parents home in Cleveland, Ohio, we were 1 of a few couples staying there, so we got the bedroom down in the basement that didn’t have a bathroom or windows. We had to walk back up to the main floor and proceed through the living room to use the bathroom and shower. This room we were given looked and felt like a storage room that had been repurposed to be a guest room when needed, which in reality was a wise use of space. There were boxes piled high on every side of the bed, but it did have matching bedside tables with nice smelling candles, perhaps to offset the smell of storage and give it a bedroom kind of feel.
I hadn’t had a family Thanksgiving experience since my parents got divorced in 2004, so being with a family again felt good and I found myself loving that the house was so crowded we were stuffed into the basement, so I made the best of it. It had also been several years since my boyfriend had brought a girl home for a holiday, so when we went to the family welcome gathering our first night, everyone was thrilled to meet me.
They were so excited that even before we left for our trip, I got the message from my boyfriend that his family had invited me to be in their yearly family photo they took every Thanksgiving. The instructions were to wear earth tones so we would all match. And I LOVE earth tone colors, and felt like an expert at this color scheme and already had a ton of earth tone colors packed, so I carefully selected a lime green long sleeve shirt, a maroon corduroy skirt, and knee high black boots. I looked stylish and comfortable, but most of all I felt great and like myself. I also had a multi colored earth toned scarf to bring it all together. But I was willing to leave the scarf out for the picture just in case it was too much.
We’d be taking the picture the morning of Thanksgiving at my boyfriend's sister's house, just a short drive away, so there was time for a wardrobe change for the Thanksgiving meal if need be. But I loved what I was wearing because I was comfortable, so I didn’t see a need for me to change clothes after the photo. On Thanksgiving morning we all met in the upstairs living room at his parents' house before piling into the cars to head over for the picture. And when I emerged from the stairway from the basement in my bright friendly earth tones, I saw all his family members in a sea of brown clothes. Whoops. I clearly had a different interpretation of “earth tones” and it was a little awkward for a moment as everyone looked at me with wide eyes but didn’t say a word. But it was time to go, so we all quickly got into the car, them in their brown and me shining bright in my lime green.
Once at the other house, we all gathered in the backyard amongst the brown and gold Fall leaves, and it was clear that I stuck out from everyone else in the picture. But still no one said anything, which made it so tense and awkward it was almost funny. My boyfriend's mom set up a camera stand and set a timer, and 3-2-1, click click click, the stream of auto pictures began. After the second round of pictures, I spoke up and said I wanted there to be some photos of the family without me, and I felt a collective sigh of relief as their sea of earth tones went back to being just brown. And we got back into the car and returned to his parents' house to await everyone's arrival for our Thanksgiving feast.
And the Thanksgiving celebration turned out so nice. More friends and extended family arrived and I enjoyed being in a new place and drinking so much cider that I didn't even mind being introduced as "Hilary" by his mother multiple times to the guests there. I figured she was overwhelmed with the holiday and also drinking, so when she'd walk away I'd lean into whoever was in front of me and re-introduce myself as Harriet.
We ate delicious food, drank a lot and there was a lot of laughter and stories, none of which I’d remember thanks to the alcohol. But I do remember no one knew I was about to depart on what I felt would be a life altering self exploration sabbatical and I still felt the topic was too off limits to bring up myself since it was fresh news to my boyfriend as well and it was clear he didn't know how he felt about it. But even without talking about my near future, my confidence was growing that I was going to become a writer...and though I wasn’t sure what that meant exactly yet, that was fine. It felt mysterious and full of possibility enough to keep me feeling excited and quietly fulfilled.
And you know what? Thanksgiving was really nice; despite the earth tone awkwardness and no one wondering anything about who I was deeper down than my colored earth tones and when and how my boyfriend and I met. I loved sharing in the peaceful and connected family vibe and attending events that brought in family and friends from several generations. It had been 20 years at least since my family had a big holiday all together because everyone is spread all over the U.S. and kind of the world. So for me, it was nice to know that strong family units were still a thing for some people and I appreciated that they let me enjoy the energy of it without it being my own family.
And I did my best to partake and celebrate despite my growing suspicion that this lukewarm love I’d had for almost a year didn’t have a higher temperature setting. So I drank more wine, played lots of board games inside and ran around outside with the family. I was doing my best to relax and get through the rest of the trip without making any more waves. Amid conversations it was repeatedly asked if my boyfriend and I lived together, and though the answer was no, I'd hear him joke that I may as well move in because I’m over at his place almost every night. And I cringed thinking I stayed over so much because staying at his house saved me a 30 minute commute from Salt Lake City to Park City, and saved me gas. Not exactly a romantic motivation for sleeping over. But I just smiled and laughed in agreement that yes, I slept over a lot. The following day was Black Friday, also known as the prep day for their unique family holiday they called “ThanksChristmas.” The tradition was that each member of the family drew a name from a hat on Thanksgiving, and on Black Friday you went shopping for who you were assigned to buy a present for, keeping it under $40. Then we’d do the exchange Saturday, called “ThanksChristmas.” Everyone piled into the car at 7am, and away we went to Macey’s, an enormous department store in downtown Cleveland, and we waited outside in the cold to be let in, because of course we were there before it opened (my first time waiting outside a store with what felt like a 100 people waiting for the opening of its doors).
I thought this tradition was sweet, and I drew the name of his older brother’s wife, who I knew and liked, so this game felt easy. I found her a cute and cozy long sleeved flannel shirt, for $12.99 and I had it gift wrapped right on site at a wrapping station, so my “ThanksChristmas” work was done in less than 30 minutes, so I sat at the front of the store with my gift bag waiting for everyone who all appeared together smiling and laughing and touching each other on the shoulders and arms. I didn’t have a family dynamic like that so it was fascinating to be a part of. The rest of the day was for grilling, football, gambling, drinking and putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. It was a big and fast shift from Thanksgiving to a Christmas vibe, so I just did my best to stay a part of the group, and be friendly despite feeling exhausted from answering questions like “what do you do”, “How did you meet Kevin?” And “How long have you two been together?” And I knew all the answers; they were easy. I own a day spa, I do massage therapy there, my boyfriend had solicited me for Payroll service and then asked me out, and that was about 11 months before. But I didn’t mention the multiple breakups we’d had or my lukewarm feelings. Did those restart the relationship clock? I didn’t know; so it was safer to just start where we started when asked.
And smile and nod a lot.
Yes I participated in the family flow, but I also stepped back a lot and did my own thing. You could find me either playing solitaire on my phone or listening to an audiobook off to the side on my phone. We had another delicious family feast for dinner and ThanksChristmas presents went under the tree for opening after dinner. Honestly? I loved all of it. The deep love, feeling of connection and fun family traditions. It was everything I wanted, but hadn’t known how to articulate that I wanted, until it was in front of me. When the time came for gift exchanges, we all went down into the basement living room near our bedroom and sat on the couches, and presents were dispersed. My box for me was shaped like a clothing box and was light, and about 8 inches by 12 inches and had pink tissue paper poking out of the top of the box. I sat patiently waiting as everyone went around in a circle opening their presents, laughing, disclosing who the giver was, showing gratitude and giving hugs. And my flannel shirt was a hit, and yes I bought myself one too, so we matched. And then it was my turn to open my gift. And as I began to untie the ribbon and peel away the pink gift wrapping paper, I heard my boyfriend’s mother excitedly proclaim, “I immediately thought of you when I saw this on the rack!” So my excitement grew along with hers; that is until I realized what I was looking at. I saw a pink dress with spagetti straps with weird fabric and it smelled like chemicals. And it also came with an attached pink scratchy chiffon scarf. Huh? I stayed quiet.
Was this a joke? Did I get the1 gag gift and now everyone was going to burst out laughing, and the real gift would be presented? I would have loved a flannel shirt like I gave, but as I observed the looks around the room, all of which were on me and this pink dress, I smiled and said “thank you” and everyone cheered and looked to the next person. It wasn’t a joke; this was my gift and this was really what my boyfriend’s mom was so excited for me to have. A pink scratchy tube top tight dress. I felt a little sick to my stomach from awkwardness, and continued to smile as everyone went around opening their totally normal, thoughtful and useful ThanksChristmas presents. What the f was I going to do with this ugly pink dress? Halloween perhaps? Is there a Macy’s store in Salt Lake City where I could exchange it for something I would actually wear? And I did get an inner laugh as I envisioned myself dressing up as an 80’s pop star in my pink dress.
And then it was time to go home to Utah and I was grateful for the experience of realizing that "earth tones" can be interpreted in different ways, I really don't enjoy being called "Hilary" and I don't think I'm much of a tight pink dress kind of girl.
The flight back to Utah felt long, but maybe it was because of the topic of conversations. My boyfriend thought our vacation had gone over perfectly and we were connected and on the same page, so he kept bringing up the idea of us officially moving in together. I was a few days away from starting my sabbatical, and so “moving in with my boyfriend” was not a to-do list item that I had on my radar even a little bit, so I kept deflecting his queries on the topic and changing the subject. It was as if a piece of me had already boarded the plane to Costa Rica. The pink dress did become a hit in Utah; but not for the reason it was intended. I hung it up in the staff room at my spa and wrote on the whiteboard pointing to it, “what my boyfriend's mom thought I’d love” and I left it to be a source of a good group laugh for a few days. But what I also couldn’t get out of my head was that my boyfriend sincerely liked the dress and thought it was my style, and I didn’t have the heart to correct him. What would be the use of that? So I left it alone but quietly wondered, “does he even know me at all?”
Do I even know me at all? Was I a pink dress girl?
Maybe and maybe not. But I didn’t want to drag him along my self-inquiry tour that had an unknown destination and time period.
And so I ended up breaking up with my sweet 90% awesome boyfriend the night before I left for Costa Rica. But the intention of that night was not a breakup; it was instead for us to have a nice last evening together, and he’d stay over and take me to the airport the next morning. We talked about my trip, we talked about the host Don Miguel Ruiz and his book “The Four Agreements”, and we talked about my goals for my sabbatical. I told him I wanted to write, explore and travel, and I listed off a few bucket list locations like Africa or Australia as possible options to go during my sabbatical, feeling my face hurting from smiling so big.
But my boyfriend’s response to my excitement shifted my smile when he said, “I don’t make a ton of money so I can’t travel to exotic places like you want to do and I only get 2 weeks of vacation per year and I spend 1 week in Ohio for Thanksgiving and the other in Mexico in the spring at our family’s timeshare. So unless you’re planning to go to all these places solo, I won’t be joining you.” And with that, I finally knew it. My heart’s “maybe” had finally turned into a hard no, and I was confident this was not my forever man. So I broke up with him that night and sent him home, hoping I’d be able to find a taxi at 6:30am to the airport. But I went to sleep feeling the most relaxed and confident I’d felt in ages. I was free to be me, just in time for my kick off trip to Costa Rica. The next morning it was 6am and I was still trying to find a ride to the airport when I heard a knock on my front door. I opened it to see my now ex boyfriend holding flowers and apologizing for not being more adventurous. He said he still wanted to take me to the airport, which I happily accepted, so I quickly loaded up my backpack and yoga mat into his car, and away we went for the 16 minute drive to the airport that felt like an hour. We stayed silent most of the drive because there really wasn’t much to say, but when he dropped me at the curb he got out of the car and hugged me, saying “I love you and of course I want you to be happy; so go to Costa Rica and decide if this relationship is what you want. I’ll pick you up when you get back and we can talk more. I’m just scared you’re going to go to Costa Rica and find someone and fall in love.”
“That’s crazy.” I said. I told him I’d be in the middle of nowhere in the jungle on a yoga retreat with mostly older people and couples, but I thanked him profusely for the ride and flowers. I gave him a hug, strapped my yoga mat to my backpack and put it on my shoulders, and walked into the airport terminal, intentionally not looking back at him. What a great guy he was I thought, and I wondered if I'd have a change of heart and be running into his arms saying yes to love in a week. I didn't know, but I was excited to find out.
I actually never saw my ex boyfriend again after December 2nd, 2012, because he didn’t pick me up at the airport. Turns out I extended my trip in Costa Rica a few days because his worst fear had come true. I actually did meet someone and I did accidentally fall in love, but not in a way either of us could have imagined or predicted.
Little did I know I’d be saying yes to love and getting married 2 months later. And at the end of my 5 month sabbatical to go seeking me, I’d find myself moving myself and my dog to Costa Rica and beginning an entirely new life.
So how do you prepare for a life changing sabbatical? For me, it started with asking for divine guidance, then saying yes to unexpected love, which also meant saying no to a lot of other things first. And then I had to have faith and stay open to what came next; while doing my best to enjoy the journey along the way, which can often be the hardest part.
And I wonder if my ex boyfriend's family laughs when they look at their 2012 family photo of earth tones...because somewhere, there's the photo with the girl in the lime green shirt that didn't make the cut.
Onward we all went from there, but this time, with love ❤️
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